Everybody Knows Cleon
by Zeff N Company
Summary: Leon and Cloud finally get the hint that their secret activities...aren't exactly a secret at all. -Insert standard LxC crack warning here-


_Once again, crack because I can. Thanks for stopping by._

* * *

"... And so you take this thing, and put it into that thing, and then you do this..."

Leon and Cloud unanimously agreed that they had found yet one more addition to their "things you wished you never had to see" list. It was like watching a clown car getting into an accident - as much as you knew you should be concerned, you could not bring yourself to decide: should you laugh or should you run for your life?

And to think that only moments ago, everything was still so blissfully innocent. Restoration duties had been placed on hold to honor the anniversary of Radiant Garden's return, and everyone had taken that needed reprieve to organize some quiet festivities of their own. The bakery was distributing freshly baked snack cakes, Pier and the other weapons dealers had collaborated to set up a miniature arena - weapons and all - for the dojo's students, and the ducklings had somehow convinced their miserly Uncle Scrooge to hand out free ice-cream for "just this once". Yet more residents contributed in their own ways to commemorate this special day, and it was enough to win even the willing involvement of their stoic unofficial leader.

Of course, paranoia was invented for a reason, and the other shoe came falling down in the form of a flushed, panicky Cid Highwind. Upon seeing him make a beeline out of his garage and down the streets with a vaguely scandalized look on his face, Leon and Cloud both set down their tools to ask what the matter was...and get their answer:

"For the sake of your stomachs, _run_," the elder mechanic blurted out first chance he got, "Yuffie's teaching my boys _filth_, and there's nothing that can stop her!"

"... Cid, if you mean the birds and the bees," Leon broke in carefully, "I don't see how-"

"She has _diagrams_-" the word was hissed out as though it could summon Meteor with its very utterance at the right volume, "-and I have _two_ words about the contents in them:

"_No. Women._ Go figure it out yourself."

And with that, the man continued his hurried escape. Left in his wake, the two warriors of Radiant Garden took a long, drawn out moment to digest the information before silently agreeing to investigate. When they came upon their discovery, however...

What they beheld was the ominous image of Yuffie with her "legendary diagram with no women", and she was in the midst of solemnly attempting to impart knowledge to the pair of thirteen-year-old apprentices. It was, verily, knowledge about copulation...homosexual copulation.

Young Jim was the fortunate one to realize exactly what was about to happen, and had momentarily betrayed his best friend as he speedily hid himself behind the the gummi ships they had been repairing before they were interrupted. Young Pride had not been granted that same warning, and throughout Yuffie's lecture was frantically attempting to make her "deactivate".

Bluntly put, it was like watching Jar-Jar teach Chewbacca about universal etiquette. This endeavor was doomed to not end well at all.

"...need me to go through that again?" Yuffie finally asked.

"_Vor!_" the younger snapped back, his already dark skin now mottled in a mixed display of irateness and embarrassment.

"...does that mean 'yes'?"

"_VOR!_" this time, the exclamation came with a dramatic slicing motion of both hands. Yuffie paused in thought, then only shrugged.

"Works for me."

And to the horror of all present, she flipped back to the first image and started over, earning another loud rattle of incomprehensible words that still sounded distinctly profane. Sympathizing with the poor, incoherent youth, Leon decided it only best to step in.

"Yuffie, as...delightful as this...interesting session may be," he started slowly, earning a snort from the blond behind him as much as the disbelieving stares of the two teenage "students", "care to tell me _exactly_ what it is you're trying to achieve here?"

"I'm converting the crowd!" the self-proclaimed "Great Ninja" announced with a flair. "What better way to recruit more disciples toward yaoi than to get them when they're young and impressionable?!"

"Yuffie, he's a thirteen-year-old foreigner, not a five-year-old," Cloud decided to add to the defense, "and from the way he's using his finger in your direction, I'd safely assume he knows what he's looking at and does not like it."

Yuffie frowned, looking at the boy who was insistently jabbing that highly offensive finger at the air as his expression of alarm continued. Then she looked back at the two older warriors.

"...what makes you so sure he's not just agreeing with me?"

Four palms met with four faces, accompanied by an irritated, "_Nishtarr...!_"

"Come on, kids! The sooner we turn you into proud male fans of the yaoi, the sooner we can move on with life!"

"_Vissor Makir, nikah Zrakt nor VASKT!!_"

"...don't ask me; I don't know what _that_ means," Jim feebly informed from where he remained hidden. Somewhere in his pocket, the terrified Morph warbled in agreement.

To the chagrin of one, the amusement of another, and the ignorance of a third, the boy looked ready to explode as he suddenly marched right up to the diagram, snatched it off its stand, and jabbed the same offensive finger vengefully at a particularly scandalous picture.

"_Nashikt_," he stated vehemently, teeth bared in a frustrated growl. Then he finally found the comprehensible word he wanted as he uttered at last, to the four-person crowd's understanding:

"_Fork_."

The tense silence that followed was thick enough to slice with a lumberjack's best axe. And then Yuffie fell over with a dramatic sigh.

"I have failed," she moaned. "My masterpiece of all diagrams has done nothing but teach him about _kitchenware_...!"

Somewhere inside them, Leon and Cloud found little reason to pity the outcome, in contrast to the relief that was encompassed in this singular utterance as Jim finally emerged from his hiding spot as well.

"Well, it _has_ been a long day," the young English lad noted, "I guess he'll be more...uh...receptive when he's had something to eat-?"

"_Vor,_" the incoherent one snarled again, before insistently repeating the word, "Fork. Roger: _Fork_."

Still greeted by clueless glances, the boy shouted something in exasperation, tossed the diagram aside, and suddenly pointed right at the pair that was Squall Leonhart and Cloud Strife.

"Him fork him," he declared forcefully, the offensive and suddenly suggestive finger jabbing the air for emphasis. "Him fork him _A LOT_."

The accused duo blanched dangerously, even as Yuffie flew to her feet with an elated whoop.

"He _does_ understand! Odin bless us all, _it's a miracle!_"

Relieved that they finally got the message, Pride at last backed off with a elated hiss of "_Kra...!_" as he pumped his fists. Amidst the small-scale celebration, Leon and Cloud decided it best to beat a hasty retreat before Yuffie could get anymore ideas.

It was a little later, high atop a cliff overlooking the still merry townsfolk, that the two were able to take the time to reorganize their thoughts after the accidental and unexpected revelation.

"So everybody knows, now," Cloud mused morosely. "Even the incoherent alien knows what we are supposedly doing in our proverbial closet."

"Weren't we being careful about this?" came the equally morose mutter from the brunet beside him, earning a tired chuckle.

"From the way things are now, it looks like we weren't careful enough."

Still they held their silence, thinking further before the blond snorted in amusement.

"Two thoughts occur."

"As if anything could get any worse right now - shoot."

"One: How long do you think we can keep up the charade for the sake of our rep?" And without waiting for an answer to his posed question, he turned to look directly at Leon as he dropped the second:

"Two: Should we even bother?"

And for a while, the brunet gave no response.

...well, not a verbal one, anyway.

* * *

_Once more, I mock myself for how ninety-nine percent of my work is vaguely Cleon...but I enjoy it._

_Pride Akahara, Jim Hawkins and Morph feature once more, taken from their cast templates in the in-progress series of _When Keyblades Rust. _Ah, I _like_ those kids..._


End file.
